Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.
And…...repeat 100 more times...… I’m here. I’m doing my best. I’m trying my hardest. And that’s all that matters. I can’t ask more of myself than that. Its so hard not to get caught up in all the stress, the expectations, the problems, the drama, the pressure, the goals, the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” conversations that go on in everyone’s heads on a daily basis. We get SO fucking caught up in all of that, that we don’t EVER give ourselves credit. Being here, being alive, and getting through the freaking day is an accomplishment in itself. Why are we always SO worried about the future, what we aren’t doing enough of, or what we could have more of? Why is it so damn hard for us to live in the present moment? Why is no one EVER satisfied with what’s in front of them?
I’ve come to realize, that satisfaction is found once you stop waiting to find it… once you stop looking for it. Because what the hell is satisfaction, anyways? What is it that we are all WAITING to live up to? WAITING to be? WAITING to find? Like, what the hell is it? Someone? Anyone? Presence, my loves.... Embrace whatever the present moment has to offer. And until our diva asses can do that, and find that place of acceptance in the present, we will always just be waiting…searching…un-freaking-satisfied. But hey, If you think about it… let’s go over this…There is nothing in the present moment to be FEARFUL of… Fear only lies in what has yet to come…well, or not come. There is nothing in the present moment to DOUBT…. Doubt exists because of past events that have left us feeling less than worthy, less than good enough (for whatever reason). There is nothing STRESSFUL about the present moment… Stress exists when we are worrying about the past or thinking about the future. And lastly, FAILURE does not exist in the present moment. What is failure? Failing compared to what? What we once were? Or who we have yet to become? Boom. Isn’t it CRAZY we can eliminate all those things JUST by being present???? I know, it’s craaaay cray.
So, okay… im living in a city full of ENDLESS opportunities. Endless… and I think, honestly, that that scares me. Im so scared of not making the right move, or picking the right thing, or just plain scared of what’s in store for me. Its time to stop being afraid. It’s time to be fearless. It’s time. Because, just like everyone else… sometimes I question… sometimes I doubt… sometimes I wonder if I really am made for this. If this was really the right choice. And then I remember… I remember when dance pulled me out of the darkest time in my life. I remember how all I ever did when I was in school was watch dance videos instead of do my homework. I remember my class at Just For Kix this past summer-- a room full of crying girls because they found their passion for dance. I remember first moving here and being an intern at BDC, and how there was NO place in the world I would’ve rather been. I remember class with Calen during pushing progress, the combo where we had to sprint in place as fast as physically possible, and I remember feeling SO overwhelmed because all I could think about when I was running in place was that this is everything to me. Absolutely everything. And I see the obstacles in my way, and I know that the only thing keeping me from this is my own reality. I am the only thing standing in my own way. And that has never been more apparent to me than that day that I was sprinting for my life in Calen Kurka’s class…. But it’s THOSE moments that I hold onto when I’m doubting. Those moments that remind me that I’m exactly where I should be. But in other news, the things that are standing in my way are in MY control. FEAR, DOUBT, FAILURE. These are what hold us all back. And if we could just fucking DECIDE to live in the moment and accept, those obstacles would disappear. We are all so used to it though, that’s the thing. It’s hard WERKKKK to change your thought pattern. We all know it’s ten times easier to keep doing what you‘re doing. Change is hard, uncomfortable, and takes work. Habits are hard to break, thoughts are hard to change, and god knows it’s easier to fight the things you don’t like than accept them. It’s about making the conscious effort to do so. It’s just deciding you want to make it happen. No one can do it for you.
What I have learned is this; I have NO idea who I am. And that used to scare me, and upset me..... but it doesn’t anymore. For so long I have been that person searching to find what my effing purpose is, and my place, and wanting to make a difference, and do something FIERCE, and great, and wonderful, and fabulous, and BLAHHH…. We are all just waiting for success. What is true success? My initial thought is to say… having some big, crazy ass goal and finally reaching it. But I don’t think that’s the case. Success cant be this long awaited, unattainable thing… The word “success” means something completely different to everyone. Maybe the motivation and inspiration behind our goals is the success in itself. Lets be real, there will ALWAYS be something more… Somewhere better to get to, something better to be, something more desirable to have. When we finally reach that “somewhere” or get that “something” can’t be when we finally feel like we’ve achieved success. It just CAN‘T. The success is the unparalleled work ethic, the fearless passion, the rise after the fall, the lessons learned, the endless commitment, the constant improvement, the drive, the fight, the struggle… that is true success. And maybe the thought of potentially never reaching our “end goal” is terrifying and frustrating… But I think there is something so beautiful about always looking forward at that “thing” we someday hope to reach and something so beautiful about the journey we go through to get there. We make that choice. It can be terrifying and hold you back, or it can be beautiful. All we can do is take it one day at a time. When you open your eyes to the present moment, you will be surprised at the unexplainable difference it makes. What you are already accomplishing is enough. Who you already are is enough. What you already have is enough. There are no boundaries. So, stop waiting. Stop being fearful. Stop making excuses. Just stop... ACCEPT and APPRECIATE everything in front of you. It might not make sense all the time.… but that’s okay. Maybe it’s not supposed to.
Go for your dreams. Sweat. Breathe. Stance. Fly. Live. Love. Black swan.
