This may or may not come out bitchy… Sorry. Except I’m like, actually not.
So, here we go. REAL FRIENDS. Let’s talk about it. Who are they? What is the gahdamn definition of a “real” friend? Can someone please tell me, because I think I’m fucking confused. Ok let’s go over this, correct me if I’m wrong. To me, a true friend is there for you no matter what. They don’t ever lie to you. They keep their promises. They don’t stab you in the back. They are there for the good times AND the bad times. They will tell you what you might not want to hear. They love you from the INSIDE out. They don’t ever judge you. They respect you. They are the first to care and help when something is wrong. I realize that different people have different definitions of friendship. For some people, it’s just the trust that he or she wont hurt you. For others, it’s unconditional love. Some feel that it’s companionship. People create their own definitions based on the experiences they have had. I guess what else would you base it on, right? Which is fine, but at the same time, having different definitions is what makes it hard. Expectations. Say it with me. Different definitions; different expectations. That has been THE hardest thing for me to learn.
Real talk… My friends and the people in my life mean more to me than fucking anything. I don’t half-ass relationships. I don’t take my friendships lightly. If I care about you, I’m going to fucking care about you. And listen, I don’t know if this is like not okay to say or whatEVA… I’m a damn good friend. I know that. And the things that I would do for my friends and how much I care, I expect the same in return. But I’ve LEARNED, ehem….the hard way… that that’s not reasonable. I used to get so overly upset about this. “Why doesn’t ANYONE care as much as I do?” “Why am I always the person who cares more?” “How am I ALWAYS in this same stupid situation?” My mom used to get like, mad at me for it. And she used to tell me, “Stop being so intense. And don’t put up with people’s bullshit.” Okay it’s mary jane, she didn’t say bullshit. But basically… And what she was telling me made no fucking sense back then. But I get it now. When you hold on too tightly to something, it slips away. I’ve learned to just let things happen and not try to control situations. (Mmmm, most of the time) But like I’ve said, and I’ll say it a million more times, the people who are supposed to be in your life, will be in your life. That’s it. DATS ITTTT. Period. I can’t help how much I care about people, it’s just who I am… and that won’t ever change. But what I CAN control… is how I respond to people not giving it back. And that has been a fucking process and a half, let me tell you. The biggest thing I’ve learned that has literally changed my life… is to expect different things from different people. I’ve learned exactly what to expect and what not to expect from certain people. It doesn’t mean they are bad friends… people just have different DEFINITIONS of how to act. One thing to one person might mean something completely different to someone else. I’ve learned to take it all with a grain of salt and let people be who they’re gonna be. And I say that like it’s so simple, but I’ll be the first to say that it’s fucking NOT.
I have been hurt so many times. Heart broken. Tears for years. Upset over people. And their bullshit. People who I thought were my BEST FRIENDS. Who were supposed to always fucking be there. Who I trusted to NOT hurt me. But I figured out that there‘s where the problem was. I trusted everybody. Literally everybody. Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? Right…. My mother was scared shitless when I moved here, because she knows this. I didn’t realize I was like that at the time. But after being fucked over time and time again, I was like HEY, something is wrong with this picture. It sucks that sometimes it takes being fucked over to understand. But now I’m the opposite. Afraid to trust ANYONE. I went from feeling like I can trust everyone to feeling like I can’t trust a single person in this world. Thank you new york city. I mean, I needed that wake up call but DAMN. Shade shade shade. So much shade in this city. And I’ve never realized more than now how many people are your friend because of convenience. Yikes. You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then go talk shit about me behind my back? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then when I need you the most, judge me and not be there for me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and start rumors about me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and be a HOT AND COLD, unsupportive bitch? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and STEAL MY MONEY? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and only come to me when you need something? THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. How dare you call yourself my friend and then do that shit. But that’s what I have put up with and have FORGIVEN basically my entire life. Until recently. You do not get to walk all over me. You do not get to treat me like you’re better than me. You do not get to only be there when it’s convenient for you. You do not get to disrespect me in any way. Because I know that I deserve more and I know the value of MY friendship. Two things that I don’t think I knew for a really long time.
So FRIENDS…yeah sure, got a million of them. Be my friend and then go shit all over me. Sure, that’s fine, I’ll be your friend too. That’s how this game works, I got it. Yesssss for friends. But REAL friends… there are few, they are rare, if you have them, for the love of god, treat them right. I think long and hard before giving anyone in my life that label now. I can probably count them on one hand. And that’s fine. I’m lucky to have ANY. If you have someone you can call a real friend, thank your lucky stars. Be so thankful for them. Treat them how you want to be treated. Don’t take them for granted. Respect them. Love them. Be there for them. Forever and ever, amen. So to re-cap, basically living here has taught me that I can‘t trust anyone and that I have no friends…hahaha. No…but like, yeah. It was about time though. I had to grow up. And damn, growing up sucks sometimes. Can’t I just be 5 years old again? Please god? (big cheesy smile) All good things, though. Always learning, always growing. Being here makes it easier to learn the hard way. Real world, what’s really good? It’s hard but necessary. Learn from people. Learn what to expect. Don’t put up with bullshit. Always know that you are worth being treated right. Realize that trust is the biggest thing you can give to somebody. So be careful when you do. Always, always give what you want to receive. Friendship should never be work. The second you feel like it is, take a step back. Your real friends will be there regardless. I’m finding that the best thing you can be in a relationship is selfless. Try it, see what happens. Take in and appreciate the things that the people in your life have to offer. Don’t get too caught up in your own shit to miss those things. Take your blinders off and look around at who you’ve got. True friends are like finding the prize buried in the cereal box. They are out there, but they are hard to find. Don’t be fooled and don’t be a fool. Keep it real. Eat your vegetables. Don’t smoke. Your parents are always right. The end.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
OFF THE BEATEN PATH
I just gotta get this out….
Damn right I went off the beaten path. And so many people judged me and thought that I was out of my mind. So many doubted, questioned, worried, wondered… "wait, Hannah’s doing what?" "She’s not going to..?" "She’s going where to do..?" "She’s probably not really even gonna go…" Just so you all know, I went. Thanks. And it was the best decision I ever made. My only hope is that others look at it and realize that it’s okay to do so. If you were lucky enough to be given PASSION for something…whatever it may be…it is a crime not to follow it. An insult to who gave it to you. If you are pursuing your passion, you are on the pursuit of happiness. And are so much more likely to actually ENJOY the pursuit. I just can’t help but wonder… who the hell created this so called “path”? Who the fuck got to decide that everyone has to do this, and then this, and then that, and then this, and then call it a day and shit, live happily after. I'm sorry, excuse me? Everyone is different and everyone wants different things, so why do we all have to be the SAME and do the SAME thing to do those DIFFERENT things? That makes no sense to me. But my real question is, why would you not do what makes you happy? Isn’t that what everyone wants? Happiness? Oh wait, I get it, sacrifice now to be happy later. Wait, what? How the hell does that make sense? Hey listen, it’s not everybody…maybe sitting in a desk from 9-5 every day makes you smile ear to freaking ear. And that’s FINE. Do whatever you want with your life. It’s YOUR life. All I’m saying, is don’t judge or belittle what I’m doing with mine. I always laugh when people ask me what I’m going to do if dance doesn’t work out. What exactly about dance doesn’t “work out”? The world of dance is what you make of it and there’s nothing that “works out.” But keep asking, because I literally think it’s funny. That is the FIRST thing I loved about this city. I even remember calling my mom and telling her within days of being here… “finally people who understand.” People who are just like me and share the same passion and who also went off the path and walked away from eyes full of judgment and doubt. THEY UNDERSTAND MEEEEE! Yaaaayyyy.. I can’t explain what that feeling was like... is STILL like. I always just felt like I wanted something different, though. All through high school… there was just always something. I never in a million fucking years thought that I’d be where I am now. It’s so crazy to me how much can happen in just a few short years. It blows me away to think about it. How much can change… and segway. I have those nights, (I had one last night-- which is why I’m writing this in the first place hahaha) and don't act like you don't know those nights, you all do… where I just look back on the past and remember. Most of the time it makes me sad… How people can change, how things can change, you yourself can change, who continues to be in your life, and who you don’t even know anymore. I was feeling really sad last night and I was talking to an old friend who has just made more of a difference in my life than she could ever know. But I was saying all these things and being sad and blah blah drama, (shocking I know..) and she said… “it just means we have amazing pasts with amazing family and friends…” and I stopped and thought about it, and realized that she is so right. That’s exactly what it means. There is a reason why certain people stay in your life. I truly believe that. If they are meant to be there, they will be there. Whether that means now or in 10 years. I believe people are put in our lives for a reason…. Abso-fucking-lutely I believe that. There is something to be learned from every person and situation. Even if it’s small. So I guess hmmm, bottom line… The past is the past. You can’t change it, you can’t go back. All you can do is remember it. How you choose to remember it is up to you. It’s important to remember the good and it’s important to remember the bad. Both have shaped who you are in this moment and WHERE you are right now. I think it’s important to look back sometimes… to remember where you came from, and realize how far you’ve come. Sometimes change is sad and hard, but without it there would never be growth. You win some, you lose some. But in the end it will be exactly how it should be. For some reason, lately I’ve just been thinking about how the fuck I got here and got to this point…who has helped me get here and what am I going to do next… To the people who doubted me, thank you. To the people who still might doubt me, thank you. The only thing that does is make me work harder than ever to prove you wrong. But more importantly, to the people who believe in me, THANK YOU. To the people who inspire me, THANK YOU. I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have those people. They are what keep me going every day. I’ve been feeling like I’m going in circles… not knowing what I want, not pushing to the next level, procrastinating, being distracted… circles…circles…circles…. And that’s stopping. I don’t want to take a day being here for granted. I’ve worked too freaking hard. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Pause, re-group, re-focus (hahaha I hope my girls are reading this) and just remember what you want. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, period. And also remember, you are what you attract. Whatever you are putting into the universe, you are going to get back. The kind of person you are… that’s the kind of people you attract in your life. The law of attraction. It’s real, my friends, hate to break it to you. But it can work to your benefit. You just have to decide. All I know is that I’m here. I’m alive. And happy. And breathing. And thankful….just SO effing thankful like you wouldn’t believe….for everything that I DO have. That’s what I’m choosing to focus on.
"Not all those who wander are lost."
<3
Damn right I went off the beaten path. And so many people judged me and thought that I was out of my mind. So many doubted, questioned, worried, wondered… "wait, Hannah’s doing what?" "She’s not going to..?" "She’s going where to do..?" "She’s probably not really even gonna go…" Just so you all know, I went. Thanks. And it was the best decision I ever made. My only hope is that others look at it and realize that it’s okay to do so. If you were lucky enough to be given PASSION for something…whatever it may be…it is a crime not to follow it. An insult to who gave it to you. If you are pursuing your passion, you are on the pursuit of happiness. And are so much more likely to actually ENJOY the pursuit. I just can’t help but wonder… who the hell created this so called “path”? Who the fuck got to decide that everyone has to do this, and then this, and then that, and then this, and then call it a day and shit, live happily after. I'm sorry, excuse me? Everyone is different and everyone wants different things, so why do we all have to be the SAME and do the SAME thing to do those DIFFERENT things? That makes no sense to me. But my real question is, why would you not do what makes you happy? Isn’t that what everyone wants? Happiness? Oh wait, I get it, sacrifice now to be happy later. Wait, what? How the hell does that make sense? Hey listen, it’s not everybody…maybe sitting in a desk from 9-5 every day makes you smile ear to freaking ear. And that’s FINE. Do whatever you want with your life. It’s YOUR life. All I’m saying, is don’t judge or belittle what I’m doing with mine. I always laugh when people ask me what I’m going to do if dance doesn’t work out. What exactly about dance doesn’t “work out”? The world of dance is what you make of it and there’s nothing that “works out.” But keep asking, because I literally think it’s funny. That is the FIRST thing I loved about this city. I even remember calling my mom and telling her within days of being here… “finally people who understand.” People who are just like me and share the same passion and who also went off the path and walked away from eyes full of judgment and doubt. THEY UNDERSTAND MEEEEE! Yaaaayyyy.. I can’t explain what that feeling was like... is STILL like. I always just felt like I wanted something different, though. All through high school… there was just always something. I never in a million fucking years thought that I’d be where I am now. It’s so crazy to me how much can happen in just a few short years. It blows me away to think about it. How much can change… and segway. I have those nights, (I had one last night-- which is why I’m writing this in the first place hahaha) and don't act like you don't know those nights, you all do… where I just look back on the past and remember. Most of the time it makes me sad… How people can change, how things can change, you yourself can change, who continues to be in your life, and who you don’t even know anymore. I was feeling really sad last night and I was talking to an old friend who has just made more of a difference in my life than she could ever know. But I was saying all these things and being sad and blah blah drama, (shocking I know..) and she said… “it just means we have amazing pasts with amazing family and friends…” and I stopped and thought about it, and realized that she is so right. That’s exactly what it means. There is a reason why certain people stay in your life. I truly believe that. If they are meant to be there, they will be there. Whether that means now or in 10 years. I believe people are put in our lives for a reason…. Abso-fucking-lutely I believe that. There is something to be learned from every person and situation. Even if it’s small. So I guess hmmm, bottom line… The past is the past. You can’t change it, you can’t go back. All you can do is remember it. How you choose to remember it is up to you. It’s important to remember the good and it’s important to remember the bad. Both have shaped who you are in this moment and WHERE you are right now. I think it’s important to look back sometimes… to remember where you came from, and realize how far you’ve come. Sometimes change is sad and hard, but without it there would never be growth. You win some, you lose some. But in the end it will be exactly how it should be. For some reason, lately I’ve just been thinking about how the fuck I got here and got to this point…who has helped me get here and what am I going to do next… To the people who doubted me, thank you. To the people who still might doubt me, thank you. The only thing that does is make me work harder than ever to prove you wrong. But more importantly, to the people who believe in me, THANK YOU. To the people who inspire me, THANK YOU. I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have those people. They are what keep me going every day. I’ve been feeling like I’m going in circles… not knowing what I want, not pushing to the next level, procrastinating, being distracted… circles…circles…circles…. And that’s stopping. I don’t want to take a day being here for granted. I’ve worked too freaking hard. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Pause, re-group, re-focus (hahaha I hope my girls are reading this) and just remember what you want. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, period. And also remember, you are what you attract. Whatever you are putting into the universe, you are going to get back. The kind of person you are… that’s the kind of people you attract in your life. The law of attraction. It’s real, my friends, hate to break it to you. But it can work to your benefit. You just have to decide. All I know is that I’m here. I’m alive. And happy. And breathing. And thankful….just SO effing thankful like you wouldn’t believe….for everything that I DO have. That’s what I’m choosing to focus on.
"Not all those who wander are lost."
<3
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