We are all made up of stories. Hundreds of stories without endings, that continuously make us who we are. The characters are our lessons... The plots are our morals... And all of the beginnings are our reckless pursuits of happiness....of self discovery...of meaning. But the last page of every story says the same thing, "To be continued..." And all of these stories are what make us relate-able and at the same time, so unique. But then I think about it...and maybe...they aren't really stories at all. Maybe they are more like sections in a dictionary. Sections that define each and every part of who we are. Information we pull from when trying to live our lives. Places of reference for the way we deal with things. And then I think....maybe they aren't really sections....but maybe more like moments. Maybe we are all made up of moments. Moments that have impacted us in such a profound way that we never let them go. Moments we hold onto and make them ever so a part of us. So much a part of us that we build our lives on each of them. Never the less, these stories without ending, sections of information, and defining moments have somehow created the person that is sitting there today... In the most exclusive and extraordinary way... A divine assignment. This is what makes us incomparable to any one else. And yet, so comparable at the same time. Sometimes, our stories overlap.... our sections are defined with similarity... our moments felt in equal value... And it just so happens, for a brief moment in time, my happiness is the same as your happiness. What made me cry has also made you cry. What makes me laugh, makes you laugh. These similarities are what create our relationships. These similarities are what connect the human race. They relate and connect us, but make it that much more obvious that we are our own individual. Because that same person that I was just laughing with....just made me feel pain. That same person that made me so mad....just made me smile. This is why it is complete ludacris to compare who you are to anyone else. It's those similar moments that make us think otherwise. But there are far more moments that aren't similar, than those that are. The things we take from these stories, sections, and moments are what define us. We all go to different places when trying to make sense of things.
Where do you go? What story do you pull from when you're weighing your happiness? Was it that day when you were 5 years old on Christmas morning? Or the love you feel on your birthday? Or the joy you felt when you were helping someone? Or the day you fell in love? Where do you go when deciding what is worthy of your happiness? What section do you refer to when you're scared as all hell? Was it that time in grade school when all the kids were mean to you? Or that day your parents yelled at you? Was it the very first person who ever judged you? or let you down? or caused you pain? Was it the standards you had to fit? What section do you go to when you're defining self-protection? What moments do you think back on when you're questioning your dreams? Was it the moment someone told you you were good enough? Was it the moment you realized you were passionate? Was it the moment you had never experienced more joy and fulfillment in your life? Which moments remind you that your dreams are more than attainable and more than worth it? Where do you go? What do you refer to? What do you think back on? We go back to these moments of impact.... That have seemingly shaped us into who we are, what we think, what we believe, how we act.... But the goal.... the divine assignment.... is learning the right stories to pull from.... the right sections to refer to.... and the right moments to hold onto.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Acceptance
There is so much beauty in acceptance.
But sometimes.....it's so hard to find that place. We all fight it. We fight it like soldiers on a battlefield. It's one of the biggest struggles we all face. Why is it so hard to be okay with what's in front of you? To be okay with what you have? To be okay with what you see? To be okay with who you are? ....Be okay with what IS? Somewhere along the way, someone set standards. Standards that must be met in order to be viewed as one thing. In order to be viewed as successful....talented....beautiful....important....worthy. Someone set these standards, and then someone else set them higher... And then do you know what happened? Someone else set them even higher. And these standards somehow manifested themselves into something so powerful... so desired... so imperative... that the world revolves around them.... bends over backwards for them.... spins on it's axis for them. We are conditioned to think that these things must be met, no matter what the cost. There is a reason why we define people as "celebrities" ....why we hold them on a pedestal. There is a reason why people with less money live less fortunate lives. There is a reason why there is an entire country thriving with glory and endless opportunities and not too far away is a country struggling to survive. There is a reason why that little five year old child never sees his father because all he cares about is his job. There is a reason why that thirteen year old girl goes home crying after school because she doesn't fit in. There is a reason why people spend more money on designer clothes than they do on food. There is a reason why people spend hours getting ready before going to that big business event. In the grand scheme of life, each and every one of those things pale in comparison to what actually matters. Somewhere along the way, it's those things that have become the focus. Those standards have spun a mean, nasty web that has yet to be untangled. And what this world fails to apprehend is that we are all an equal part of what takes place. Who you are and what you were given is all you need. You were given those things for an important reason and it's those things that are meant to play a part in your time here. But we get so blinded by bullshit and standards....bullshit standards....that a lot of the time, people don't even realize they have those things. And it's heart breaking. You were born with those things. But then one day, you changed your entire wardrobe to look like everyone else.... Then one day, you cut your hair because you wanted to look like the girl on the cover of that magazine.... And some of those things were lost. Then one day, you spent your entire paycheck on new shoes for Sally Sue's party.... Then one day, you tried a cigarette because all of your friends were doing it.... And some of those things were lost. Then one day, you changed how you act around those people because you want to impress them.... And more of those things were lost. Now, not only are those things lost....they are buried. And then one day, you woke up and you're a drug addict. Then one day, you woke up and you're an alcoholic. Then one day, you woke up and you have an eating disorder. The list goes on.... Sound harsh? Well, THAT is the power that those "standards" have on this world. Those beautiful things we were born with get lost in the smallest of ways through out our lives and some people don't start finding them until they are drowning. Some people never find them at all. We've all heard the quote "It's what's on the inside that counts" It sounds so STUPID and corny, but those are words of truth, my friends. Your soul, your heart, your passion, your mind, your joy, your thoughts, your instincts, your dreams, your LIGHT.... is what matters. That is what you were given... put on this earth to SHARE. It's devastating that the standards make us question those things.... hide those things... doubt those things.... lose those things. It doesn't make sense why we wouldn't love those things the most.... why THOSE things don't define who we are.... It doesn't make sense why looking at yourself in the eyes in a mirror is one of the hardest things to do. That doesn't make any sense. Who you are in this life IS NOT about whether or not you met those standards. Because here's the catch... the harder you try, the higher they get, and you will never...EVER be satisfied. And there it is... the web that this world can't find it's way through.
I can ONLY HOPE.... that who I am.... is so much more than the damn shirt I'm wearing or the fact that I have tattoos and half of a shaved head. I can only hope that what I have to say is louder than that. I believe we were all put on this earth for a reason. What you were given you are meant to have, and share, and be....to the fullest. Don't live your life as a mission to reach those standards. Don't let them define you, don't let them lead or guide you, don't let them create questions or doubt, and for the love of god.... don't let them destroy you. Find and accept all of the things you have....all of the things you are....and love them.
But sometimes.....it's so hard to find that place. We all fight it. We fight it like soldiers on a battlefield. It's one of the biggest struggles we all face. Why is it so hard to be okay with what's in front of you? To be okay with what you have? To be okay with what you see? To be okay with who you are? ....Be okay with what IS? Somewhere along the way, someone set standards. Standards that must be met in order to be viewed as one thing. In order to be viewed as successful....talented....beautiful....important....worthy. Someone set these standards, and then someone else set them higher... And then do you know what happened? Someone else set them even higher. And these standards somehow manifested themselves into something so powerful... so desired... so imperative... that the world revolves around them.... bends over backwards for them.... spins on it's axis for them. We are conditioned to think that these things must be met, no matter what the cost. There is a reason why we define people as "celebrities" ....why we hold them on a pedestal. There is a reason why people with less money live less fortunate lives. There is a reason why there is an entire country thriving with glory and endless opportunities and not too far away is a country struggling to survive. There is a reason why that little five year old child never sees his father because all he cares about is his job. There is a reason why that thirteen year old girl goes home crying after school because she doesn't fit in. There is a reason why people spend more money on designer clothes than they do on food. There is a reason why people spend hours getting ready before going to that big business event. In the grand scheme of life, each and every one of those things pale in comparison to what actually matters. Somewhere along the way, it's those things that have become the focus. Those standards have spun a mean, nasty web that has yet to be untangled. And what this world fails to apprehend is that we are all an equal part of what takes place. Who you are and what you were given is all you need. You were given those things for an important reason and it's those things that are meant to play a part in your time here. But we get so blinded by bullshit and standards....bullshit standards....that a lot of the time, people don't even realize they have those things. And it's heart breaking. You were born with those things. But then one day, you changed your entire wardrobe to look like everyone else.... Then one day, you cut your hair because you wanted to look like the girl on the cover of that magazine.... And some of those things were lost. Then one day, you spent your entire paycheck on new shoes for Sally Sue's party.... Then one day, you tried a cigarette because all of your friends were doing it.... And some of those things were lost. Then one day, you changed how you act around those people because you want to impress them.... And more of those things were lost. Now, not only are those things lost....they are buried. And then one day, you woke up and you're a drug addict. Then one day, you woke up and you're an alcoholic. Then one day, you woke up and you have an eating disorder. The list goes on.... Sound harsh? Well, THAT is the power that those "standards" have on this world. Those beautiful things we were born with get lost in the smallest of ways through out our lives and some people don't start finding them until they are drowning. Some people never find them at all. We've all heard the quote "It's what's on the inside that counts" It sounds so STUPID and corny, but those are words of truth, my friends. Your soul, your heart, your passion, your mind, your joy, your thoughts, your instincts, your dreams, your LIGHT.... is what matters. That is what you were given... put on this earth to SHARE. It's devastating that the standards make us question those things.... hide those things... doubt those things.... lose those things. It doesn't make sense why we wouldn't love those things the most.... why THOSE things don't define who we are.... It doesn't make sense why looking at yourself in the eyes in a mirror is one of the hardest things to do. That doesn't make any sense. Who you are in this life IS NOT about whether or not you met those standards. Because here's the catch... the harder you try, the higher they get, and you will never...EVER be satisfied. And there it is... the web that this world can't find it's way through.
I can ONLY HOPE.... that who I am.... is so much more than the damn shirt I'm wearing or the fact that I have tattoos and half of a shaved head. I can only hope that what I have to say is louder than that. I believe we were all put on this earth for a reason. What you were given you are meant to have, and share, and be....to the fullest. Don't live your life as a mission to reach those standards. Don't let them define you, don't let them lead or guide you, don't let them create questions or doubt, and for the love of god.... don't let them destroy you. Find and accept all of the things you have....all of the things you are....and love them.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Vulnerable
It's the scariest thing in the world to be vulnerable.
It's scary as hell. We all try everything we possibly can to avoid it, or avoid being viewed as such. Nobody wants to be weak. Ever. So that place of vulnerability gets hidden and covered up and denied. It's that ever-so-protected place.... That best kept secret.... All of the fear, and the struggles, and the battles. That place we all hate to even think about.... and god forbid, show to someone. Everyone wants to be strong. No one wants to ask for help. We all just want to have it "together."
That's why we hide it. Why we lie about it. Why we cover it up. Why on our worst days, we dress our best. Why we completely lose it and vent to those one or two people we can really trust. Why we put the biggest god damn smile on our faces when we're falling apart. Why we wait till our bedroom door is shut at night to cry. Why we, instead of talking about all of this, write stupid blogs that mostly no one reads......
It's our instinct to want to be strong. It's what we admire about other people, a quality our biggest inspirations possess, a necessary characteristic in order to succeed in this life. But the truth is, it's not human to be strong all the time. It's not human to have it together all the time. It's not human to know exactly what you want all the time. What IS human.... Falling. Flaws. Imperfections. Mistakes. Days that feel like shit. Moments of complete uncertainty. Struggles that take everything you have to get through. That is human. Weakness is human.
I'm not saying that wanting to be strong.... fighting to be strong.... is a bad thing. I do it every god damn day of my life. We all do. I'm saying... to accept the fact that we can't always be. And we can't feel bad or beat ourselves up about those moments when we aren't. Because it's in those moments, that we are willing to be vulnerable, that define who we are. It's all those terrifying things I listed that make us human, that connect all of us.
Someone wise once told me, that we are all connected by story. There's a reason why you cry at the end of that sad movie.... Or that song that comes on that takes you instantly to a memory.... Or that book that you physically can't put down.... Or that story on the news that breaks your heart.... There is something in there that keeps us all connected. Something that relates us all. Something that keeps us needing each other in the smallest of ways. To reassure ourselves that we are, in fact, only human. Incapable of perfection, and unwavering strength, and endless answers. We all share the same pain. It's mutual. It's beautiful.
So in summary, when and if you have that moment..... That moment of being completely vulnerable and exposed..... That moment of falling apart.... That moment of over-whelming fear.... That moment of desperately wanting answers when all you have is none.... Try not to fight it. Know that you are not alone. Trust that that moment is your biggest opportunity for growth. And somewhere in the stories that connect us, is a story of someone looking back saying that it's because of those moments that they got to where they are. It's okay to be weak. It's okay to need help. It's okay not to be okay. Even though we are all conditioned to think otherwise. Life is like walking a tightrope. A fight for balance. And at the end of the day, we are all fighting the same battle. And AT THE END OF THE DAY.... Have more faith than anything else.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a big word.... A huge word. A word that fixes problems, diminishes fights, creates chances, and allows us to move forward in a more peaceful way. It seems so simple. "I forgive you." and then it's done, right? That's it. Thanks, let's move forward..... awesome. But hold on, there is no way in hell that those three little words can heal all of the damage.
Words....... Words, words, words. They only mean so much. They can only get you so far. And I've learned that in the end, it's always, ALWAYS, actions you should judge people by. Talking is so simple. Oh, you're sorry? How do I know that? Because you said it? And I'm just supposed to believe you? And trust that you won't just go and do the same thing again? A few years ago, a simple "I'm sorry" would've been fucking fine in my book. Great, amazing, I believe you, let's go. But the sad reality of life is that..... People are full of shit. Does that sound harsh? Well, it is. And it's the truth. I don't mean to not give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't mean to sound like an ass hole. But this is what my life experiences have made me.... and if that means I have to doubt a little more and trust a little less for my own protection, so be it. Show me that you're fucking sorry. Prove it to me. A few nice lines and a couple I'm sorry's aren't going to erase years and years of pain.... and the damage that pain has caused to this very day.... the pain it continues to cause, directly and indirectly. So before I can even contemplate saying the three words "i forgive you" and giving you MY TRUST to never hurt me again..... I need proof. I need actions. I need TIME. And I can't feel bad about that. I don't deserve to be hurting from this constantly. I don't deserve to have trust issues. I don't deserve to be always on edge waiting for the next incident to happen. But mostly, I didn't deserve to be ignored for 8 years of my life. It's never about me. I've kept my mouth closed. I always have. I'm good at that... I'm really fucking good at that. But I've been pushed off the edge. I have feelings. I have opinions. I have a voice.... that matters. And I refuse to continue saying this is fine, when it's absolutely not.
It's such a fun game we all play. Ignoring things and pretending they don't exist so that we don't have to deal with them, in hopes that they'll just go away. Let me be the first one to say, they never just go away. The longer you wait to face something, the harder it's going to be when you do. I think we all know that, and just don't give a shit. Like oh, maybe my problems really will just disappear. It's like self-sabotage really. Deal with it. Face it. Don't let it sit and boil. At some point, sooner or later, you WILL have to deal with it. The things we don't deal with become big, giant road blocks in some way or another. Sometimes we don't notice it right away. You owe it to yourself to face those things....to heal those things....to be able to move forward in the BEST way possible. Is it hard as hell? absolutely. But in the end, the outcome will outweigh any hardships you went through to get there. Confront the dark parts.... The things that scare you, the things you block out, the things you pretend to not care about, the things that hold you back, the people you never really forgave, the people who weigh you down, the problems you don't want to admit you have, the problems you don't ever talk about. Confront it. Attack it. Embrace it. Let it make you BETTER. Let it help you learn. Let it give you strength to move forward. People aren't meant to be in pain. That is not what this life is about. Of that I am so sure, my sweet friends. So do whatever it takes to make YOU happy.... To be able to be who you were put on this earth to be... And do what you were meant to do.... Let's stop wasting time. This life is too short.
Words....... Words, words, words. They only mean so much. They can only get you so far. And I've learned that in the end, it's always, ALWAYS, actions you should judge people by. Talking is so simple. Oh, you're sorry? How do I know that? Because you said it? And I'm just supposed to believe you? And trust that you won't just go and do the same thing again? A few years ago, a simple "I'm sorry" would've been fucking fine in my book. Great, amazing, I believe you, let's go. But the sad reality of life is that..... People are full of shit. Does that sound harsh? Well, it is. And it's the truth. I don't mean to not give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't mean to sound like an ass hole. But this is what my life experiences have made me.... and if that means I have to doubt a little more and trust a little less for my own protection, so be it. Show me that you're fucking sorry. Prove it to me. A few nice lines and a couple I'm sorry's aren't going to erase years and years of pain.... and the damage that pain has caused to this very day.... the pain it continues to cause, directly and indirectly. So before I can even contemplate saying the three words "i forgive you" and giving you MY TRUST to never hurt me again..... I need proof. I need actions. I need TIME. And I can't feel bad about that. I don't deserve to be hurting from this constantly. I don't deserve to have trust issues. I don't deserve to be always on edge waiting for the next incident to happen. But mostly, I didn't deserve to be ignored for 8 years of my life. It's never about me. I've kept my mouth closed. I always have. I'm good at that... I'm really fucking good at that. But I've been pushed off the edge. I have feelings. I have opinions. I have a voice.... that matters. And I refuse to continue saying this is fine, when it's absolutely not.
It's such a fun game we all play. Ignoring things and pretending they don't exist so that we don't have to deal with them, in hopes that they'll just go away. Let me be the first one to say, they never just go away. The longer you wait to face something, the harder it's going to be when you do. I think we all know that, and just don't give a shit. Like oh, maybe my problems really will just disappear. It's like self-sabotage really. Deal with it. Face it. Don't let it sit and boil. At some point, sooner or later, you WILL have to deal with it. The things we don't deal with become big, giant road blocks in some way or another. Sometimes we don't notice it right away. You owe it to yourself to face those things....to heal those things....to be able to move forward in the BEST way possible. Is it hard as hell? absolutely. But in the end, the outcome will outweigh any hardships you went through to get there. Confront the dark parts.... The things that scare you, the things you block out, the things you pretend to not care about, the things that hold you back, the people you never really forgave, the people who weigh you down, the problems you don't want to admit you have, the problems you don't ever talk about. Confront it. Attack it. Embrace it. Let it make you BETTER. Let it help you learn. Let it give you strength to move forward. People aren't meant to be in pain. That is not what this life is about. Of that I am so sure, my sweet friends. So do whatever it takes to make YOU happy.... To be able to be who you were put on this earth to be... And do what you were meant to do.... Let's stop wasting time. This life is too short.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Empty
So. I had this weird dream. And then this weird dream happened again.... So naturally, my friends and I googled it to see what the hell it meant. And I was a little taken back by what came up. It came up that it meant I was "empty" or "void of emotion." Right away I was all, "fuck that! Nooo way. That's wrong." But... here I am still thinking about it.... So maybe...just maybe....it isn't all that wrong. The phrase "void of emotion" is entirely off because if you know me at all, I got plenty of emotions to go around... But the word "empty" is what I can't get out of my head. Empty can be a synonym for a lot of things..... Lonely.... Afraid... Lost.... Are just a few that come to mind. And I can pinpoint the biggest issue in this situation. I'm so fucking afraid to trust..... Because when I was a little girl, there was this man in my life that I admired more than anything in this world. My hero. My everything. My best friend. And then he left. He stopped being there for me. He broke my heart. And I never understood why this happened until a few years ago. All I knew, is that I had never been more hurt, betrayed, and let down in my life...and I swore that I would never let myself feel like this again. So as far as I knew, anyone who got close to me like that and who I put all my trust and faith in, was going to hurt me. And that was that. Other than that statement, I blocked the rest of it out and acted like I could give two shits about what was happening. But the thing is... I cared... I cared so much. I was so hurt. I cried night after night and no one ever knew. I felt like a part of me was missing. So, on being empty: Yes. I was fucking empty. And maybe I haven't ever really allowed anyone to fill that empty space. Because I'm so afraid of feeling like that again. And it's some shit to even admit that to myself but maybe I owe this google dream definition a big thank you. Maybe I need to realize these things before I can move forward. I knew there was truth in the word "empty" because it felt like a ton of bricks the second I heard it. Like a secret I had tried so hard to keep and it had just been told. And my initial response was to deny that word. But it's the one I need to face. And deal with. And make real. So that I'm not always in this place of fear and emptiness. And it's not that I'm unhappy. That's not the case at all. I just know I could be happier if I got past these things. And this place has become all too comfortable and all too familiar. But it's time to take a step forward. And I think writing this was the first step.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)