This is my god damn life. My happiness, self worth, and success do not depend on other people or other things. Nothing gets to have that power over me. I make my own choices. I choose. I decide.
That was a lot of words.
I am worthy. And deserving. And strong. And brave. And I have plans and goals and fucking dreams like you wouldn’t believe... Passion like you wouldn’t believe.
That was a lot of words.
On some real shit……. It’s hard work figuring out what you want. It’s a lot of things. Lord we all know this. It’s hard work figuring out where you want to go. I don’t have exact answers for those things a lot of the time….but what I DO know is this…. I’m taking this crazy, confusing, absurd, challenging, wonderful thing we call life as it comes. No one gets to make me feel like I’m doing it wrong or like I should have more answers. I have wasted SO much time trying to figure out what people want from me, what I should be giving, what people are thinking, what people are saying….. Comparing myself to people, feeling judged, and unworthy, and imperfect, and scared…. Fucking scared. Scared of so many things…. People, judgment, opinions, standards, expectations, failure, SUCCESS even. I get so caught up in all of that. So lost in all of that. And I forget about all of the things that I do have…. All of the things that I have to offer….and be proud of and feel good about. And I step back and realize that nothing should ever make me doubt that or forget that. Because it’s THOSE things that have gotten me here. And then I step back again and realize…. WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT…. Stop being scared. It literally blows my mind to think about all of the things people would do if we weren’t all so god damn afraid. I’m not just talking about dance either. In life….
Whether it’s being afraid of what people are thinking… afraid of not being good enough…. afraid of not living up to someone else’s expectations… afraid to have an opinion…. afraid to speak up…. afraid to take a chance… afraid to do what you REALLY want to do… afraid to fail… afraid of disappointment… afraid of being hurt… afraid of being let down…. afraid of commitment…. afraid to trust… afraid of not having control…. afraid of being alone…. the list is endless…. We’re afraid, so we play it safe… which consequently leaves us miserable. Why do we CHOOSE to be miserable? Why do we let fear get in the way of so much and keep us from moving forward? And yeah, it’s hard to just decide you aren’t going to be scared anymore… but at the same time, it’s so simple. Some of the best advice I’ve been given is this: “The only way to do it, is to do it.” Face whatever it is you’re afraid of. You can’t heal what you won’t confront…. That’s the first step. Try and change your perception of the situation. I feel like fear most of the time involves risk taking, more or less….and the biggest thing that needs to happen before hand is you have to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You have to. And that’s where we all get lost sometimes….that’s where I get lost sometimes…
Fuck people’s expectations. Fuck holding back. Fuck anything that keeps you from being everything. It’s not always fun, it’s not always easy, there will be let downs, and disappointments, and things and people that break your heart, and days where you have no fucking clue what you’re doing…. Welcome to the human experience. None of that gets to determine who you are. That is forever and always your decision. You decide what you want to take from every situation. You decide how it affects you. You decide what you’re going to learn from it….or not learn. You can decide to be life’s victim or you can shut the hell up and listen to the lessons it’s trying to teach you.
At the end of the day, I’m tired. Tired of letting everything else play such a HUGE role in how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. Tired of letting small things get to me. Tired of biting my tongue. Tired of holding back. I will not base my happiness on other people. I will not let other people’s expectations and opinions define mine. I am my own person. This is MY life….. And there just isn’t enough time. This ride is too damn short, my friends. Replace worry and stress with trust, put into the universe what you want to get back from it, realize that your flaws are what keep you growing, your imperfections make you unique, and at the end of the god damn day….it WILL be okay.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Remain Infinite
You must know.
You must know that my dreams are much greater than my obstacles....
I truly look forward to all of my blessings...
The garden of my life is heavily planted with new seeds...
The rain is here to show me how well I am growing...
Through the storm I am learning who my people are...
I am learning that it's okay to not be perfect
And those that love me are not judging me or my circumstances...
I am learning how to ask because after all...
What is pride?
It means nothing.
Love is the greatest power...
I live expecting miracles...
Today I received many...
You must know that my dreams are much greater than my obstacles....
I truly look forward to all of my blessings...
The garden of my life is heavily planted with new seeds...
The rain is here to show me how well I am growing...
Through the storm I am learning who my people are...
I am learning that it's okay to not be perfect
And those that love me are not judging me or my circumstances...
I am learning how to ask because after all...
What is pride?
It means nothing.
Love is the greatest power...
I live expecting miracles...
Today I received many...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
LET IT BE
Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.
And…...repeat 100 more times...… I’m here. I’m doing my best. I’m trying my hardest. And that’s all that matters. I can’t ask more of myself than that. Its so hard not to get caught up in all the stress, the expectations, the problems, the drama, the pressure, the goals, the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” conversations that go on in everyone’s heads on a daily basis. We get SO fucking caught up in all of that, that we don’t EVER give ourselves credit. Being here, being alive, and getting through the freaking day is an accomplishment in itself. Why are we always SO worried about the future, what we aren’t doing enough of, or what we could have more of? Why is it so damn hard for us to live in the present moment? Why is no one EVER satisfied with what’s in front of them?
I’ve come to realize, that satisfaction is found once you stop waiting to find it… once you stop looking for it. Because what the hell is satisfaction, anyways? What is it that we are all WAITING to live up to? WAITING to be? WAITING to find? Like, what the hell is it? Someone? Anyone? Presence, my loves.... Embrace whatever the present moment has to offer. And until our diva asses can do that, and find that place of acceptance in the present, we will always just be waiting…searching…un-freaking-satisfied. But hey, If you think about it… let’s go over this…There is nothing in the present moment to be FEARFUL of… Fear only lies in what has yet to come…well, or not come. There is nothing in the present moment to DOUBT…. Doubt exists because of past events that have left us feeling less than worthy, less than good enough (for whatever reason). There is nothing STRESSFUL about the present moment… Stress exists when we are worrying about the past or thinking about the future. And lastly, FAILURE does not exist in the present moment. What is failure? Failing compared to what? What we once were? Or who we have yet to become? Boom. Isn’t it CRAZY we can eliminate all those things JUST by being present???? I know, it’s craaaay cray.
So, okay… im living in a city full of ENDLESS opportunities. Endless… and I think, honestly, that that scares me. Im so scared of not making the right move, or picking the right thing, or just plain scared of what’s in store for me. Its time to stop being afraid. It’s time to be fearless. It’s time. Because, just like everyone else… sometimes I question… sometimes I doubt… sometimes I wonder if I really am made for this. If this was really the right choice. And then I remember… I remember when dance pulled me out of the darkest time in my life. I remember how all I ever did when I was in school was watch dance videos instead of do my homework. I remember my class at Just For Kix this past summer-- a room full of crying girls because they found their passion for dance. I remember first moving here and being an intern at BDC, and how there was NO place in the world I would’ve rather been. I remember class with Calen during pushing progress, the combo where we had to sprint in place as fast as physically possible, and I remember feeling SO overwhelmed because all I could think about when I was running in place was that this is everything to me. Absolutely everything. And I see the obstacles in my way, and I know that the only thing keeping me from this is my own reality. I am the only thing standing in my own way. And that has never been more apparent to me than that day that I was sprinting for my life in Calen Kurka’s class…. But it’s THOSE moments that I hold onto when I’m doubting. Those moments that remind me that I’m exactly where I should be. But in other news, the things that are standing in my way are in MY control. FEAR, DOUBT, FAILURE. These are what hold us all back. And if we could just fucking DECIDE to live in the moment and accept, those obstacles would disappear. We are all so used to it though, that’s the thing. It’s hard WERKKKK to change your thought pattern. We all know it’s ten times easier to keep doing what you‘re doing. Change is hard, uncomfortable, and takes work. Habits are hard to break, thoughts are hard to change, and god knows it’s easier to fight the things you don’t like than accept them. It’s about making the conscious effort to do so. It’s just deciding you want to make it happen. No one can do it for you.
What I have learned is this; I have NO idea who I am. And that used to scare me, and upset me..... but it doesn’t anymore. For so long I have been that person searching to find what my effing purpose is, and my place, and wanting to make a difference, and do something FIERCE, and great, and wonderful, and fabulous, and BLAHHH…. We are all just waiting for success. What is true success? My initial thought is to say… having some big, crazy ass goal and finally reaching it. But I don’t think that’s the case. Success cant be this long awaited, unattainable thing… The word “success” means something completely different to everyone. Maybe the motivation and inspiration behind our goals is the success in itself. Lets be real, there will ALWAYS be something more… Somewhere better to get to, something better to be, something more desirable to have. When we finally reach that “somewhere” or get that “something” can’t be when we finally feel like we’ve achieved success. It just CAN‘T. The success is the unparalleled work ethic, the fearless passion, the rise after the fall, the lessons learned, the endless commitment, the constant improvement, the drive, the fight, the struggle… that is true success. And maybe the thought of potentially never reaching our “end goal” is terrifying and frustrating… But I think there is something so beautiful about always looking forward at that “thing” we someday hope to reach and something so beautiful about the journey we go through to get there. We make that choice. It can be terrifying and hold you back, or it can be beautiful. All we can do is take it one day at a time. When you open your eyes to the present moment, you will be surprised at the unexplainable difference it makes. What you are already accomplishing is enough. Who you already are is enough. What you already have is enough. There are no boundaries. So, stop waiting. Stop being fearful. Stop making excuses. Just stop... ACCEPT and APPRECIATE everything in front of you. It might not make sense all the time.… but that’s okay. Maybe it’s not supposed to.
Go for your dreams. Sweat. Breathe. Stance. Fly. Live. Love. Black swan.
And…...repeat 100 more times...… I’m here. I’m doing my best. I’m trying my hardest. And that’s all that matters. I can’t ask more of myself than that. Its so hard not to get caught up in all the stress, the expectations, the problems, the drama, the pressure, the goals, the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” conversations that go on in everyone’s heads on a daily basis. We get SO fucking caught up in all of that, that we don’t EVER give ourselves credit. Being here, being alive, and getting through the freaking day is an accomplishment in itself. Why are we always SO worried about the future, what we aren’t doing enough of, or what we could have more of? Why is it so damn hard for us to live in the present moment? Why is no one EVER satisfied with what’s in front of them?
I’ve come to realize, that satisfaction is found once you stop waiting to find it… once you stop looking for it. Because what the hell is satisfaction, anyways? What is it that we are all WAITING to live up to? WAITING to be? WAITING to find? Like, what the hell is it? Someone? Anyone? Presence, my loves.... Embrace whatever the present moment has to offer. And until our diva asses can do that, and find that place of acceptance in the present, we will always just be waiting…searching…un-freaking-satisfied. But hey, If you think about it… let’s go over this…There is nothing in the present moment to be FEARFUL of… Fear only lies in what has yet to come…well, or not come. There is nothing in the present moment to DOUBT…. Doubt exists because of past events that have left us feeling less than worthy, less than good enough (for whatever reason). There is nothing STRESSFUL about the present moment… Stress exists when we are worrying about the past or thinking about the future. And lastly, FAILURE does not exist in the present moment. What is failure? Failing compared to what? What we once were? Or who we have yet to become? Boom. Isn’t it CRAZY we can eliminate all those things JUST by being present???? I know, it’s craaaay cray.
So, okay… im living in a city full of ENDLESS opportunities. Endless… and I think, honestly, that that scares me. Im so scared of not making the right move, or picking the right thing, or just plain scared of what’s in store for me. Its time to stop being afraid. It’s time to be fearless. It’s time. Because, just like everyone else… sometimes I question… sometimes I doubt… sometimes I wonder if I really am made for this. If this was really the right choice. And then I remember… I remember when dance pulled me out of the darkest time in my life. I remember how all I ever did when I was in school was watch dance videos instead of do my homework. I remember my class at Just For Kix this past summer-- a room full of crying girls because they found their passion for dance. I remember first moving here and being an intern at BDC, and how there was NO place in the world I would’ve rather been. I remember class with Calen during pushing progress, the combo where we had to sprint in place as fast as physically possible, and I remember feeling SO overwhelmed because all I could think about when I was running in place was that this is everything to me. Absolutely everything. And I see the obstacles in my way, and I know that the only thing keeping me from this is my own reality. I am the only thing standing in my own way. And that has never been more apparent to me than that day that I was sprinting for my life in Calen Kurka’s class…. But it’s THOSE moments that I hold onto when I’m doubting. Those moments that remind me that I’m exactly where I should be. But in other news, the things that are standing in my way are in MY control. FEAR, DOUBT, FAILURE. These are what hold us all back. And if we could just fucking DECIDE to live in the moment and accept, those obstacles would disappear. We are all so used to it though, that’s the thing. It’s hard WERKKKK to change your thought pattern. We all know it’s ten times easier to keep doing what you‘re doing. Change is hard, uncomfortable, and takes work. Habits are hard to break, thoughts are hard to change, and god knows it’s easier to fight the things you don’t like than accept them. It’s about making the conscious effort to do so. It’s just deciding you want to make it happen. No one can do it for you.
What I have learned is this; I have NO idea who I am. And that used to scare me, and upset me..... but it doesn’t anymore. For so long I have been that person searching to find what my effing purpose is, and my place, and wanting to make a difference, and do something FIERCE, and great, and wonderful, and fabulous, and BLAHHH…. We are all just waiting for success. What is true success? My initial thought is to say… having some big, crazy ass goal and finally reaching it. But I don’t think that’s the case. Success cant be this long awaited, unattainable thing… The word “success” means something completely different to everyone. Maybe the motivation and inspiration behind our goals is the success in itself. Lets be real, there will ALWAYS be something more… Somewhere better to get to, something better to be, something more desirable to have. When we finally reach that “somewhere” or get that “something” can’t be when we finally feel like we’ve achieved success. It just CAN‘T. The success is the unparalleled work ethic, the fearless passion, the rise after the fall, the lessons learned, the endless commitment, the constant improvement, the drive, the fight, the struggle… that is true success. And maybe the thought of potentially never reaching our “end goal” is terrifying and frustrating… But I think there is something so beautiful about always looking forward at that “thing” we someday hope to reach and something so beautiful about the journey we go through to get there. We make that choice. It can be terrifying and hold you back, or it can be beautiful. All we can do is take it one day at a time. When you open your eyes to the present moment, you will be surprised at the unexplainable difference it makes. What you are already accomplishing is enough. Who you already are is enough. What you already have is enough. There are no boundaries. So, stop waiting. Stop being fearful. Stop making excuses. Just stop... ACCEPT and APPRECIATE everything in front of you. It might not make sense all the time.… but that’s okay. Maybe it’s not supposed to.
Go for your dreams. Sweat. Breathe. Stance. Fly. Live. Love. Black swan.
Monday, September 26, 2011
KEEP IT REAL
This may or may not come out bitchy… Sorry. Except I’m like, actually not.
So, here we go. REAL FRIENDS. Let’s talk about it. Who are they? What is the gahdamn definition of a “real” friend? Can someone please tell me, because I think I’m fucking confused. Ok let’s go over this, correct me if I’m wrong. To me, a true friend is there for you no matter what. They don’t ever lie to you. They keep their promises. They don’t stab you in the back. They are there for the good times AND the bad times. They will tell you what you might not want to hear. They love you from the INSIDE out. They don’t ever judge you. They respect you. They are the first to care and help when something is wrong. I realize that different people have different definitions of friendship. For some people, it’s just the trust that he or she wont hurt you. For others, it’s unconditional love. Some feel that it’s companionship. People create their own definitions based on the experiences they have had. I guess what else would you base it on, right? Which is fine, but at the same time, having different definitions is what makes it hard. Expectations. Say it with me. Different definitions; different expectations. That has been THE hardest thing for me to learn.
Real talk… My friends and the people in my life mean more to me than fucking anything. I don’t half-ass relationships. I don’t take my friendships lightly. If I care about you, I’m going to fucking care about you. And listen, I don’t know if this is like not okay to say or whatEVA… I’m a damn good friend. I know that. And the things that I would do for my friends and how much I care, I expect the same in return. But I’ve LEARNED, ehem….the hard way… that that’s not reasonable. I used to get so overly upset about this. “Why doesn’t ANYONE care as much as I do?” “Why am I always the person who cares more?” “How am I ALWAYS in this same stupid situation?” My mom used to get like, mad at me for it. And she used to tell me, “Stop being so intense. And don’t put up with people’s bullshit.” Okay it’s mary jane, she didn’t say bullshit. But basically… And what she was telling me made no fucking sense back then. But I get it now. When you hold on too tightly to something, it slips away. I’ve learned to just let things happen and not try to control situations. (Mmmm, most of the time) But like I’ve said, and I’ll say it a million more times, the people who are supposed to be in your life, will be in your life. That’s it. DATS ITTTT. Period. I can’t help how much I care about people, it’s just who I am… and that won’t ever change. But what I CAN control… is how I respond to people not giving it back. And that has been a fucking process and a half, let me tell you. The biggest thing I’ve learned that has literally changed my life… is to expect different things from different people. I’ve learned exactly what to expect and what not to expect from certain people. It doesn’t mean they are bad friends… people just have different DEFINITIONS of how to act. One thing to one person might mean something completely different to someone else. I’ve learned to take it all with a grain of salt and let people be who they’re gonna be. And I say that like it’s so simple, but I’ll be the first to say that it’s fucking NOT.
I have been hurt so many times. Heart broken. Tears for years. Upset over people. And their bullshit. People who I thought were my BEST FRIENDS. Who were supposed to always fucking be there. Who I trusted to NOT hurt me. But I figured out that there‘s where the problem was. I trusted everybody. Literally everybody. Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? Right…. My mother was scared shitless when I moved here, because she knows this. I didn’t realize I was like that at the time. But after being fucked over time and time again, I was like HEY, something is wrong with this picture. It sucks that sometimes it takes being fucked over to understand. But now I’m the opposite. Afraid to trust ANYONE. I went from feeling like I can trust everyone to feeling like I can’t trust a single person in this world. Thank you new york city. I mean, I needed that wake up call but DAMN. Shade shade shade. So much shade in this city. And I’ve never realized more than now how many people are your friend because of convenience. Yikes. You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then go talk shit about me behind my back? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then when I need you the most, judge me and not be there for me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and start rumors about me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and be a HOT AND COLD, unsupportive bitch? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and STEAL MY MONEY? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and only come to me when you need something? THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. How dare you call yourself my friend and then do that shit. But that’s what I have put up with and have FORGIVEN basically my entire life. Until recently. You do not get to walk all over me. You do not get to treat me like you’re better than me. You do not get to only be there when it’s convenient for you. You do not get to disrespect me in any way. Because I know that I deserve more and I know the value of MY friendship. Two things that I don’t think I knew for a really long time.
So FRIENDS…yeah sure, got a million of them. Be my friend and then go shit all over me. Sure, that’s fine, I’ll be your friend too. That’s how this game works, I got it. Yesssss for friends. But REAL friends… there are few, they are rare, if you have them, for the love of god, treat them right. I think long and hard before giving anyone in my life that label now. I can probably count them on one hand. And that’s fine. I’m lucky to have ANY. If you have someone you can call a real friend, thank your lucky stars. Be so thankful for them. Treat them how you want to be treated. Don’t take them for granted. Respect them. Love them. Be there for them. Forever and ever, amen. So to re-cap, basically living here has taught me that I can‘t trust anyone and that I have no friends…hahaha. No…but like, yeah. It was about time though. I had to grow up. And damn, growing up sucks sometimes. Can’t I just be 5 years old again? Please god? (big cheesy smile) All good things, though. Always learning, always growing. Being here makes it easier to learn the hard way. Real world, what’s really good? It’s hard but necessary. Learn from people. Learn what to expect. Don’t put up with bullshit. Always know that you are worth being treated right. Realize that trust is the biggest thing you can give to somebody. So be careful when you do. Always, always give what you want to receive. Friendship should never be work. The second you feel like it is, take a step back. Your real friends will be there regardless. I’m finding that the best thing you can be in a relationship is selfless. Try it, see what happens. Take in and appreciate the things that the people in your life have to offer. Don’t get too caught up in your own shit to miss those things. Take your blinders off and look around at who you’ve got. True friends are like finding the prize buried in the cereal box. They are out there, but they are hard to find. Don’t be fooled and don’t be a fool. Keep it real. Eat your vegetables. Don’t smoke. Your parents are always right. The end.
So, here we go. REAL FRIENDS. Let’s talk about it. Who are they? What is the gahdamn definition of a “real” friend? Can someone please tell me, because I think I’m fucking confused. Ok let’s go over this, correct me if I’m wrong. To me, a true friend is there for you no matter what. They don’t ever lie to you. They keep their promises. They don’t stab you in the back. They are there for the good times AND the bad times. They will tell you what you might not want to hear. They love you from the INSIDE out. They don’t ever judge you. They respect you. They are the first to care and help when something is wrong. I realize that different people have different definitions of friendship. For some people, it’s just the trust that he or she wont hurt you. For others, it’s unconditional love. Some feel that it’s companionship. People create their own definitions based on the experiences they have had. I guess what else would you base it on, right? Which is fine, but at the same time, having different definitions is what makes it hard. Expectations. Say it with me. Different definitions; different expectations. That has been THE hardest thing for me to learn.
Real talk… My friends and the people in my life mean more to me than fucking anything. I don’t half-ass relationships. I don’t take my friendships lightly. If I care about you, I’m going to fucking care about you. And listen, I don’t know if this is like not okay to say or whatEVA… I’m a damn good friend. I know that. And the things that I would do for my friends and how much I care, I expect the same in return. But I’ve LEARNED, ehem….the hard way… that that’s not reasonable. I used to get so overly upset about this. “Why doesn’t ANYONE care as much as I do?” “Why am I always the person who cares more?” “How am I ALWAYS in this same stupid situation?” My mom used to get like, mad at me for it. And she used to tell me, “Stop being so intense. And don’t put up with people’s bullshit.” Okay it’s mary jane, she didn’t say bullshit. But basically… And what she was telling me made no fucking sense back then. But I get it now. When you hold on too tightly to something, it slips away. I’ve learned to just let things happen and not try to control situations. (Mmmm, most of the time) But like I’ve said, and I’ll say it a million more times, the people who are supposed to be in your life, will be in your life. That’s it. DATS ITTTT. Period. I can’t help how much I care about people, it’s just who I am… and that won’t ever change. But what I CAN control… is how I respond to people not giving it back. And that has been a fucking process and a half, let me tell you. The biggest thing I’ve learned that has literally changed my life… is to expect different things from different people. I’ve learned exactly what to expect and what not to expect from certain people. It doesn’t mean they are bad friends… people just have different DEFINITIONS of how to act. One thing to one person might mean something completely different to someone else. I’ve learned to take it all with a grain of salt and let people be who they’re gonna be. And I say that like it’s so simple, but I’ll be the first to say that it’s fucking NOT.
I have been hurt so many times. Heart broken. Tears for years. Upset over people. And their bullshit. People who I thought were my BEST FRIENDS. Who were supposed to always fucking be there. Who I trusted to NOT hurt me. But I figured out that there‘s where the problem was. I trusted everybody. Literally everybody. Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? Right…. My mother was scared shitless when I moved here, because she knows this. I didn’t realize I was like that at the time. But after being fucked over time and time again, I was like HEY, something is wrong with this picture. It sucks that sometimes it takes being fucked over to understand. But now I’m the opposite. Afraid to trust ANYONE. I went from feeling like I can trust everyone to feeling like I can’t trust a single person in this world. Thank you new york city. I mean, I needed that wake up call but DAMN. Shade shade shade. So much shade in this city. And I’ve never realized more than now how many people are your friend because of convenience. Yikes. You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then go talk shit about me behind my back? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then when I need you the most, judge me and not be there for me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and start rumors about me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and be a HOT AND COLD, unsupportive bitch? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and STEAL MY MONEY? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and only come to me when you need something? THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. How dare you call yourself my friend and then do that shit. But that’s what I have put up with and have FORGIVEN basically my entire life. Until recently. You do not get to walk all over me. You do not get to treat me like you’re better than me. You do not get to only be there when it’s convenient for you. You do not get to disrespect me in any way. Because I know that I deserve more and I know the value of MY friendship. Two things that I don’t think I knew for a really long time.
So FRIENDS…yeah sure, got a million of them. Be my friend and then go shit all over me. Sure, that’s fine, I’ll be your friend too. That’s how this game works, I got it. Yesssss for friends. But REAL friends… there are few, they are rare, if you have them, for the love of god, treat them right. I think long and hard before giving anyone in my life that label now. I can probably count them on one hand. And that’s fine. I’m lucky to have ANY. If you have someone you can call a real friend, thank your lucky stars. Be so thankful for them. Treat them how you want to be treated. Don’t take them for granted. Respect them. Love them. Be there for them. Forever and ever, amen. So to re-cap, basically living here has taught me that I can‘t trust anyone and that I have no friends…hahaha. No…but like, yeah. It was about time though. I had to grow up. And damn, growing up sucks sometimes. Can’t I just be 5 years old again? Please god? (big cheesy smile) All good things, though. Always learning, always growing. Being here makes it easier to learn the hard way. Real world, what’s really good? It’s hard but necessary. Learn from people. Learn what to expect. Don’t put up with bullshit. Always know that you are worth being treated right. Realize that trust is the biggest thing you can give to somebody. So be careful when you do. Always, always give what you want to receive. Friendship should never be work. The second you feel like it is, take a step back. Your real friends will be there regardless. I’m finding that the best thing you can be in a relationship is selfless. Try it, see what happens. Take in and appreciate the things that the people in your life have to offer. Don’t get too caught up in your own shit to miss those things. Take your blinders off and look around at who you’ve got. True friends are like finding the prize buried in the cereal box. They are out there, but they are hard to find. Don’t be fooled and don’t be a fool. Keep it real. Eat your vegetables. Don’t smoke. Your parents are always right. The end.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
OFF THE BEATEN PATH
I just gotta get this out….
Damn right I went off the beaten path. And so many people judged me and thought that I was out of my mind. So many doubted, questioned, worried, wondered… "wait, Hannah’s doing what?" "She’s not going to..?" "She’s going where to do..?" "She’s probably not really even gonna go…" Just so you all know, I went. Thanks. And it was the best decision I ever made. My only hope is that others look at it and realize that it’s okay to do so. If you were lucky enough to be given PASSION for something…whatever it may be…it is a crime not to follow it. An insult to who gave it to you. If you are pursuing your passion, you are on the pursuit of happiness. And are so much more likely to actually ENJOY the pursuit. I just can’t help but wonder… who the hell created this so called “path”? Who the fuck got to decide that everyone has to do this, and then this, and then that, and then this, and then call it a day and shit, live happily after. I'm sorry, excuse me? Everyone is different and everyone wants different things, so why do we all have to be the SAME and do the SAME thing to do those DIFFERENT things? That makes no sense to me. But my real question is, why would you not do what makes you happy? Isn’t that what everyone wants? Happiness? Oh wait, I get it, sacrifice now to be happy later. Wait, what? How the hell does that make sense? Hey listen, it’s not everybody…maybe sitting in a desk from 9-5 every day makes you smile ear to freaking ear. And that’s FINE. Do whatever you want with your life. It’s YOUR life. All I’m saying, is don’t judge or belittle what I’m doing with mine. I always laugh when people ask me what I’m going to do if dance doesn’t work out. What exactly about dance doesn’t “work out”? The world of dance is what you make of it and there’s nothing that “works out.” But keep asking, because I literally think it’s funny. That is the FIRST thing I loved about this city. I even remember calling my mom and telling her within days of being here… “finally people who understand.” People who are just like me and share the same passion and who also went off the path and walked away from eyes full of judgment and doubt. THEY UNDERSTAND MEEEEE! Yaaaayyyy.. I can’t explain what that feeling was like... is STILL like. I always just felt like I wanted something different, though. All through high school… there was just always something. I never in a million fucking years thought that I’d be where I am now. It’s so crazy to me how much can happen in just a few short years. It blows me away to think about it. How much can change… and segway. I have those nights, (I had one last night-- which is why I’m writing this in the first place hahaha) and don't act like you don't know those nights, you all do… where I just look back on the past and remember. Most of the time it makes me sad… How people can change, how things can change, you yourself can change, who continues to be in your life, and who you don’t even know anymore. I was feeling really sad last night and I was talking to an old friend who has just made more of a difference in my life than she could ever know. But I was saying all these things and being sad and blah blah drama, (shocking I know..) and she said… “it just means we have amazing pasts with amazing family and friends…” and I stopped and thought about it, and realized that she is so right. That’s exactly what it means. There is a reason why certain people stay in your life. I truly believe that. If they are meant to be there, they will be there. Whether that means now or in 10 years. I believe people are put in our lives for a reason…. Abso-fucking-lutely I believe that. There is something to be learned from every person and situation. Even if it’s small. So I guess hmmm, bottom line… The past is the past. You can’t change it, you can’t go back. All you can do is remember it. How you choose to remember it is up to you. It’s important to remember the good and it’s important to remember the bad. Both have shaped who you are in this moment and WHERE you are right now. I think it’s important to look back sometimes… to remember where you came from, and realize how far you’ve come. Sometimes change is sad and hard, but without it there would never be growth. You win some, you lose some. But in the end it will be exactly how it should be. For some reason, lately I’ve just been thinking about how the fuck I got here and got to this point…who has helped me get here and what am I going to do next… To the people who doubted me, thank you. To the people who still might doubt me, thank you. The only thing that does is make me work harder than ever to prove you wrong. But more importantly, to the people who believe in me, THANK YOU. To the people who inspire me, THANK YOU. I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have those people. They are what keep me going every day. I’ve been feeling like I’m going in circles… not knowing what I want, not pushing to the next level, procrastinating, being distracted… circles…circles…circles…. And that’s stopping. I don’t want to take a day being here for granted. I’ve worked too freaking hard. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Pause, re-group, re-focus (hahaha I hope my girls are reading this) and just remember what you want. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, period. And also remember, you are what you attract. Whatever you are putting into the universe, you are going to get back. The kind of person you are… that’s the kind of people you attract in your life. The law of attraction. It’s real, my friends, hate to break it to you. But it can work to your benefit. You just have to decide. All I know is that I’m here. I’m alive. And happy. And breathing. And thankful….just SO effing thankful like you wouldn’t believe….for everything that I DO have. That’s what I’m choosing to focus on.
"Not all those who wander are lost."
<3
Damn right I went off the beaten path. And so many people judged me and thought that I was out of my mind. So many doubted, questioned, worried, wondered… "wait, Hannah’s doing what?" "She’s not going to..?" "She’s going where to do..?" "She’s probably not really even gonna go…" Just so you all know, I went. Thanks. And it was the best decision I ever made. My only hope is that others look at it and realize that it’s okay to do so. If you were lucky enough to be given PASSION for something…whatever it may be…it is a crime not to follow it. An insult to who gave it to you. If you are pursuing your passion, you are on the pursuit of happiness. And are so much more likely to actually ENJOY the pursuit. I just can’t help but wonder… who the hell created this so called “path”? Who the fuck got to decide that everyone has to do this, and then this, and then that, and then this, and then call it a day and shit, live happily after. I'm sorry, excuse me? Everyone is different and everyone wants different things, so why do we all have to be the SAME and do the SAME thing to do those DIFFERENT things? That makes no sense to me. But my real question is, why would you not do what makes you happy? Isn’t that what everyone wants? Happiness? Oh wait, I get it, sacrifice now to be happy later. Wait, what? How the hell does that make sense? Hey listen, it’s not everybody…maybe sitting in a desk from 9-5 every day makes you smile ear to freaking ear. And that’s FINE. Do whatever you want with your life. It’s YOUR life. All I’m saying, is don’t judge or belittle what I’m doing with mine. I always laugh when people ask me what I’m going to do if dance doesn’t work out. What exactly about dance doesn’t “work out”? The world of dance is what you make of it and there’s nothing that “works out.” But keep asking, because I literally think it’s funny. That is the FIRST thing I loved about this city. I even remember calling my mom and telling her within days of being here… “finally people who understand.” People who are just like me and share the same passion and who also went off the path and walked away from eyes full of judgment and doubt. THEY UNDERSTAND MEEEEE! Yaaaayyyy.. I can’t explain what that feeling was like... is STILL like. I always just felt like I wanted something different, though. All through high school… there was just always something. I never in a million fucking years thought that I’d be where I am now. It’s so crazy to me how much can happen in just a few short years. It blows me away to think about it. How much can change… and segway. I have those nights, (I had one last night-- which is why I’m writing this in the first place hahaha) and don't act like you don't know those nights, you all do… where I just look back on the past and remember. Most of the time it makes me sad… How people can change, how things can change, you yourself can change, who continues to be in your life, and who you don’t even know anymore. I was feeling really sad last night and I was talking to an old friend who has just made more of a difference in my life than she could ever know. But I was saying all these things and being sad and blah blah drama, (shocking I know..) and she said… “it just means we have amazing pasts with amazing family and friends…” and I stopped and thought about it, and realized that she is so right. That’s exactly what it means. There is a reason why certain people stay in your life. I truly believe that. If they are meant to be there, they will be there. Whether that means now or in 10 years. I believe people are put in our lives for a reason…. Abso-fucking-lutely I believe that. There is something to be learned from every person and situation. Even if it’s small. So I guess hmmm, bottom line… The past is the past. You can’t change it, you can’t go back. All you can do is remember it. How you choose to remember it is up to you. It’s important to remember the good and it’s important to remember the bad. Both have shaped who you are in this moment and WHERE you are right now. I think it’s important to look back sometimes… to remember where you came from, and realize how far you’ve come. Sometimes change is sad and hard, but without it there would never be growth. You win some, you lose some. But in the end it will be exactly how it should be. For some reason, lately I’ve just been thinking about how the fuck I got here and got to this point…who has helped me get here and what am I going to do next… To the people who doubted me, thank you. To the people who still might doubt me, thank you. The only thing that does is make me work harder than ever to prove you wrong. But more importantly, to the people who believe in me, THANK YOU. To the people who inspire me, THANK YOU. I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have those people. They are what keep me going every day. I’ve been feeling like I’m going in circles… not knowing what I want, not pushing to the next level, procrastinating, being distracted… circles…circles…circles…. And that’s stopping. I don’t want to take a day being here for granted. I’ve worked too freaking hard. It’s important to take a step back sometimes. Pause, re-group, re-focus (hahaha I hope my girls are reading this) and just remember what you want. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, period. And also remember, you are what you attract. Whatever you are putting into the universe, you are going to get back. The kind of person you are… that’s the kind of people you attract in your life. The law of attraction. It’s real, my friends, hate to break it to you. But it can work to your benefit. You just have to decide. All I know is that I’m here. I’m alive. And happy. And breathing. And thankful….just SO effing thankful like you wouldn’t believe….for everything that I DO have. That’s what I’m choosing to focus on.
"Not all those who wander are lost."
<3
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