KEEP IT REAL

This may or may not come out bitchy… Sorry. Except I’m like, actually not.
So, here we go. REAL FRIENDS. Let’s talk about it. Who are they? What is the gahdamn definition of a “real” friend? Can someone please tell me, because I think I’m fucking confused. Ok let’s go over this, correct me if I’m wrong. To me, a true friend is there for you no matter what. They don’t ever lie to you. They keep their promises. They don’t stab you in the back. They are there for the good times AND the bad times. They will tell you what you might not want to hear. They love you from the INSIDE out. They don’t ever judge you. They respect you. They are the first to care and help when something is wrong. I realize that different people have different definitions of friendship. For some people, it’s just the trust that he or she wont hurt you. For others, it’s unconditional love. Some feel that it’s companionship. People create their own definitions based on the experiences they have had. I guess what else would you base it on, right? Which is fine, but at the same time, having different definitions is what makes it hard. Expectations. Say it with me. Different definitions; different expectations. That has been THE hardest thing for me to learn.
Real talk… My friends and the people in my life mean more to me than fucking anything. I don’t half-ass relationships. I don’t take my friendships lightly. If I care about you, I’m going to fucking care about you. And listen, I don’t know if this is like not okay to say or whatEVA… I’m a damn good friend. I know that. And the things that I would do for my friends and how much I care, I expect the same in return. But I’ve LEARNED, ehem….the hard way… that that’s not reasonable. I used to get so overly upset about this. “Why doesn’t ANYONE care as much as I do?” “Why am I always the person who cares more?” “How am I ALWAYS in this same stupid situation?” My mom used to get like, mad at me for it. And she used to tell me, “Stop being so intense. And don’t put up with people’s bullshit.” Okay it’s mary jane, she didn’t say bullshit. But basically… And what she was telling me made no fucking sense back then. But I get it now. When you hold on too tightly to something, it slips away. I’ve learned to just let things happen and not try to control situations. (Mmmm, most of the time) But like I’ve said, and I’ll say it a million more times, the people who are supposed to be in your life, will be in your life. That’s it. DATS ITTTT. Period. I can’t help how much I care about people, it’s just who I am… and that won’t ever change. But what I CAN control… is how I respond to people not giving it back. And that has been a fucking process and a half, let me tell you. The biggest thing I’ve learned that has literally changed my life… is to expect different things from different people. I’ve learned exactly what to expect and what not to expect from certain people. It doesn’t mean they are bad friends… people just have different DEFINITIONS of how to act. One thing to one person might mean something completely different to someone else. I’ve learned to take it all with a grain of salt and let people be who they’re gonna be. And I say that like it’s so simple, but I’ll be the first to say that it’s fucking NOT.
I have been hurt so many times. Heart broken. Tears for years. Upset over people. And their bullshit. People who I thought were my BEST FRIENDS. Who were supposed to always fucking be there. Who I trusted to NOT hurt me. But I figured out that there‘s where the problem was. I trusted everybody. Literally everybody. Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? Right…. My mother was scared shitless when I moved here, because she knows this. I didn’t realize I was like that at the time. But after being fucked over time and time again, I was like HEY, something is wrong with this picture. It sucks that sometimes it takes being fucked over to understand. But now I’m the opposite. Afraid to trust ANYONE. I went from feeling like I can trust everyone to feeling like I can’t trust a single person in this world. Thank you new york city. I mean, I needed that wake up call but DAMN. Shade shade shade. So much shade in this city. And I’ve never realized more than now how many people are your friend because of convenience. Yikes. You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then go talk shit about me behind my back? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and then when I need you the most, judge me and not be there for me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and start rumors about me? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and be a HOT AND COLD, unsupportive bitch? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and STEAL MY MONEY? You’re gonna call yourself my friend and only come to me when you need something? THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. How dare you call yourself my friend and then do that shit. But that’s what I have put up with and have FORGIVEN basically my entire life. Until recently. You do not get to walk all over me. You do not get to treat me like you’re better than me. You do not get to only be there when it’s convenient for you. You do not get to disrespect me in any way. Because I know that I deserve more and I know the value of MY friendship. Two things that I don’t think I knew for a really long time.
So FRIENDS…yeah sure, got a million of them. Be my friend and then go shit all over me. Sure, that’s fine, I’ll be your friend too. That’s how this game works, I got it. Yesssss for friends. But REAL friends… there are few, they are rare, if you have them, for the love of god, treat them right. I think long and hard before giving anyone in my life that label now. I can probably count them on one hand. And that’s fine. I’m lucky to have ANY. If you have someone you can call a real friend, thank your lucky stars. Be so thankful for them. Treat them how you want to be treated. Don’t take them for granted. Respect them. Love them. Be there for them. Forever and ever, amen. So to re-cap, basically living here has taught me that I can‘t trust anyone and that I have no friends…hahaha. No…but like, yeah. It was about time though. I had to grow up. And damn, growing up sucks sometimes. Can’t I just be 5 years old again? Please god? (big cheesy smile) All good things, though. Always learning, always growing. Being here makes it easier to learn the hard way. Real world, what’s really good? It’s hard but necessary. Learn from people. Learn what to expect. Don’t put up with bullshit. Always know that you are worth being treated right. Realize that trust is the biggest thing you can give to somebody. So be careful when you do. Always, always give what you want to receive. Friendship should never be work. The second you feel like it is, take a step back. Your real friends will be there regardless. I’m finding that the best thing you can be in a relationship is selfless. Try it, see what happens. Take in and appreciate the things that the people in your life have to offer. Don’t get too caught up in your own shit to miss those things. Take your blinders off and look around at who you’ve got. True friends are like finding the prize buried in the cereal box. They are out there, but they are hard to find. Don’t be fooled and don’t be a fool. Keep it real. Eat your vegetables. Don’t smoke. Your parents are always right. The end.