Empty

So. I had this weird dream. And then this weird dream happened again.... So naturally, my friends and I googled it to see what the hell it meant. And I was a little taken back by what came up. It came up that it meant I was "empty" or "void of emotion." Right away I was all, "fuck that! Nooo way. That's wrong." But... here I am still thinking about it.... So maybe...just maybe....it isn't all that wrong. The phrase "void of emotion" is entirely off because if you know me at all, I got plenty of emotions to go around... But the word "empty" is what I can't get out of my head. Empty can be a synonym for a lot of things..... Lonely.... Afraid... Lost.... Are just a few that come to mind. And I can pinpoint the biggest issue in this situation. I'm so fucking afraid to trust..... Because when I was a little girl, there was this man in my life that I admired more than anything in this world. My hero. My everything. My best friend. And then he left. He stopped being there for me. He broke my heart. And I never understood why this happened until a few years ago. All I knew, is that I had never been more hurt, betrayed, and let down in my life...and I swore that I would never let myself feel like this again. So as far as I knew, anyone who got close to me like that and who I put all my trust and faith in, was going to hurt me. And that was that. Other than that statement, I blocked the rest of it out and acted like I could give two shits about what was happening. But the thing is... I cared... I cared so much. I was so hurt. I cried night after night and no one ever knew. I felt like a part of me was missing. So, on being empty: Yes. I was fucking empty. And maybe I haven't ever really allowed anyone to fill that empty space. Because I'm so afraid of feeling like that again. And it's some shit to even admit that to myself but maybe I owe this google dream definition a big thank you. Maybe I need to realize these things before I can move forward. I knew there was truth in the word "empty" because it felt like a ton of bricks the second I heard it. Like a secret I had tried so hard to keep and it had just been told. And my initial response was to deny that word. But it's the one I need to face. And deal with. And make real. So that I'm not always in this place of fear and emptiness. And it's not that I'm unhappy. That's not the case at all. I just know I could be happier if I got past these things. And this place has become all too comfortable and all too familiar. But it's time to take a step forward. And I think writing this was the first step.....